Earth day

There is a feeling when it rains, that the world is closing in around you, like a silkworm’s cocoon. The sky had a healthy glow to it, that bright and shining grey, when I peered outside this afternoon. I am a swan, peering cautiously around the reeds to see if there is someone there that I need to attack. Very deadly birds, swans.

It is occasionally necessary to take a day to exercise one’s right to leisure, and make someone else take charge of one’s children. My boys and my girl clatter about in the other room in some horribly unmannerly game of chase and violence. Sev enjoys such things, and feels that the children need to be able to defend themselves from all manners of adversaries if they are to be street urchins.

I did not think I kept my husband’s bed warm in order to produce street urchins, but it is not my decision to make.

Comments (4)

llubnekAugust 30th, 2010 at 2:04 am

“There is a feeling when it rains, that the world is closing in around you, like a silkworm’s cocoon.”

I think, technically, that first comma shouldn’t be there, but it reads better with it, so whatever.

“It is occasionally necessary to take a day to exercise ones’ right to leisure, and make someone else take charge of ones’ children.”

Pretty sure “ones'” should be “one’s”. It’s singular possessive, not plural possessive and the root word does not end in “s”.

“It is occasionally necessary to take a day to exercise one’s right to leisure, and make someone else take charge of one’s children.”

“Sev enjoys such things, and feels that the children need to be able to defend themselves from all manners of adversaries, if they are to be street urchins.”

Again, last comma probably shouldn’t be there, but it affects pacing, so whatever.

I get the impression lately that you really want to write haiku :p

adminSeptember 8th, 2010 at 4:01 pm

Changed the second and third, but kept the first.

I am feeling a little poetic!

K KJanuary 15th, 2012 at 11:48 pm

To Ilubnek’s point – I’ve noticed quite a few places where there were extraneous commas. They seem to pace the narrative as I might, if I were writing stream-of-consciousness style straight from my head. I’ve noticed it has been more frequent as time has progressed. I thought it was a stylistic choice.

K KJanuary 15th, 2012 at 11:49 pm

What about “uncouth” rather than “unmannerly?” I think it has more of the flavor you might be going for in that sentence, but unmannerly works as well.

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