Sun day

There is something very soothing about keeping accounts. Each side of the ledger starts in the same way and ends in the same way, noting each change as it occurs. Heiye has his allowance for his errands, and Sev has anything he asks for. I keep my coffers inside my clothes chest, and my account book with this journal in its locking box. Generally when I am not using it, I wrap the box in my red shawl and tuck it away.

Its key on its fine bronze chain is still the only jewelry I allow myself.

It rained very hard today. The roof is right overhead, for though some of the surrounding buildings are three or four stories this one is only two stories in height.

While I have been very good at keeping the accounts, the seasons have crept up on me. This time last year, Sev was just home from his next to last campaign, not counting this one. The children were nine, and sweet little things at that. They were biddable, and not prone to sulkiness, nor to noticing how often their father is away. I do not know why they complain so, in looks and quiet words, for I saw my father but twice a year and did not want for more. I suppose it speaks well of my husband, though I cannot say what he does to provoke it. He is a terrible example.

Reckoning back, I see I missed my husband’s birthday because the day before we had a horrible argument. He was busy with his work and I was feeling – I’m not even sure I know what I was feeling. I wanted to scream at him, but mostly I wanted him to tell me what had him cutting off his movements as if with a knife, moving with all the precision in him and sitting so still, so still, looking at me as if I wasn’t even there, as if he saw some other place and time, and it was horrible.

He never used to have that look, before he went to war. He had his little ways, but he was not so erratic. His moods were less dark, his patience much stronger. He used to have patience, not this painful determination to follow through on his promises, no matter the cost to everyone around him. To protect me and the children, to do anything for us. I remember when I didn’t realize my husband could destroy people. Peoples.

I keep coming back to that argument. I hope that in a year, I will have happy memories to replace the ones from right now.

A year ago, I hadn’t yet bought Heiye. He has settled down nicely, and a very good purchase he was, too.

It seems like I should be able to make a bit lighter with life. I have patience, and I think I have a little bit of a sense of humor about things. Sev certainly has a sense of humor. He told me that I might wander the marketplace when I would consent to acting ordinary.

He does love his own particular style of compliment. I shall have to do something a little belatedly for his birthday.

The children have taken their freedom and run off with it, though so far they do come home for meals. They seem quite happy to go out, even in the rain today. Heiye assured me that they would stay beneath eaves and he did procure them proper hats, the straw sort that farmers wear.

My children look very strange in those hats.

Comments (3)

llubnekJune 24th, 2010 at 8:07 pm

“Reckoning back, I see I missed my husband’s birthday because the day before we had a horrible argument because he was busy with his work and I was feeling – I’m not even sure I know what I was feeling.”

Hyphen vs. ellipses again. To me, a hyphen indicates an abrupt interruption, like you just barely managed to get that last word out before changing your mind, rather than hesitation or a pause.

It’s hard to read this with the first “feeling” clipped by “I’m” as indicated by the hyphen. It seems more natural to me for her to pause after “feeling”, then quickly blurt out the remainder.

“Reckoning back, I see I missed my husband’s birthday because the day before we had a horrible argument because he was busy with his work and I was feeling… I’m not even sure I know what I was feeling.”

llubnekJune 24th, 2010 at 8:22 pm

Actually, you used “because” twice in that sentence too. Might flow better with “since”.

“Reckoning back, I see I missed my husband’s birthday because the day before we had a horrible argument since he was busy with his work and I was feeling… I’m not even sure I know what I was feeling.”

or

“Reckoning back, I see I missed my husband’s birthday because the day before we had a horrible argument since he was busy with his work and I was feeling – I’m not even sure I know what I was feeling.”

if you leave the hyphen.

adminAugust 26th, 2010 at 11:43 pm

Took out the second ‘because’ and seperated it into two sentences.

Have I mentioned how much I appreciate you doing this?

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