Moon day

Heiye was all smiles today, and Sev has asked me not to comment. It is very hard not to comment when a growing thirteen year old boy is bouncing off the walls with happiness.

Heiye has come a long way. His hair is long enough to have required a haircut or two by now, I suspect Cook gave those to him, soft, straight and soot-colored. He is dressed much better, as has of course been expected of him, in clean and mended clothing. No more uniform, but this will do. Beige does nothing for his coloring. His skin shines a healthy copper, washed out or no, and he has muscle covering his bones. He’s started putting on height, the poor child. He’s going to be a long, lanky one.

Sev is a long, lanky one. He was, anyway, until he grew serious about his training for the army and turned muscular. I am long without being lanky, prefering limbs that stay the right length with my body. I do remember a few awkward, coltish years just after I came to live with Sev, however, growing up under his mother’s expert eye. She always did make me feel like I’d gotten grass stains on my dress and fallen in a pond.

Part of that was likely Sev’s penchant for getting grass stains on my dress and insisting we go swimming with all our clothes on. I never did learn to manage him the way she did, not that I want to. I much prefer my husband to be my husband, and all that implies. Complain I shall, but control him I shall not. I could not.

There I go, always writing about Sev when I have a dozen other things on my mind. I don’t usually think on him this much. It is the combination of him being home all the time and away all the time, I would say.

Comments (11)

_geist_May 24th, 2009 at 10:06 pm

I suspect Cook gave those to him, soft, straight and soot-colored.

My problem with this is that you’re describing his hair, not his haircut, and Cook didn’t give him his hair.

Young!Suki makes me giggle.

adminMay 24th, 2009 at 10:17 pm

I love Suki’s tales of her youth. Sev was such a rascal.

Also, the first part of that sentence is refering to haircuts Cook gave Heiye. Not his hair. Again, the order is not the most clear. It’s very stream of consciousness, you know?

_geist_May 24th, 2009 at 11:07 pm

No, I know, that’s what I mean. His haircut is not soft, straight, and soot colored. That’s his hair. It doesn’t make sense.

adminMay 24th, 2009 at 11:25 pm

No, not really. Oh well. >.>

llubnekMay 28th, 2009 at 3:34 am

You could use something like
“His hair is soft, straight and soot-colored, and long enough to have required a haircut or two by now. I suspect Cook gave those to him.”

llubnekMay 28th, 2009 at 3:46 am

“It is the combination of him being home all the time and away all the time, I would say.”

This seems a bit awkward, especially with her earlier complaints when repeating a single word over several paragraphs.

This might work better as
“It is the combination of him being home and away all the time, I would say.”,
which might give a stronger impression of coming and going vs. presence and absence.

llubnekMay 28th, 2009 at 3:47 am

or not, this one’s nitpicky.

adminMay 28th, 2009 at 3:49 am

Heh. You overestimate somewhat how much I edit these.

In any case, Suki’s train of thought here is the motive force. She starts out thinking about his haircut, segues into who could have given said haircut, and adds a few notes about what his hair is like on after she’d already finished writing her sentence.

(She’s my character and all, but she’s a very stubborn one.)

adminMay 28th, 2009 at 3:51 am

I’m going to keep it in mind for if I ever go over the whole story for a comprehensive edit and tightening of continuity and details and such. For now, it stays as is.

K KJanuary 12th, 2012 at 10:39 pm

For what it’s worth, I did have to give the haircut sentence a second read to figure out whether you were talking about a style or his hair. I was a bit confused when I got to “soot-colored,” because I could see Suki using the other adjectives to describe a style.

I somewhat disagree with the “all the time” sentence edit – I think it emphasizes that he’s there too long, then away too long, which contrasts well. I feel Suki has become somewhat less self-disparaging in her writing since she left her family’s house.

adminJanuary 13th, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Thanks! Noted.

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